kindam:

You should never tell a depressed person to cheer up, or tell an anxious person to calm down. Here’s why these well-meant encouragements are actually incredibly detrimental to the mentally ill person.

The invalidation of emotions that can begin at an early age makes you question your very self. Rather than evaluate the utility of your emotions, you question how you could be so stupid as to have that particular emotion. There must be something wrong with you if you felt that way.

We are all reasonable people. We problem solve in order to come to desired outcomes. If your emotions are frequently getting invalidated, or if the invalidation occurs around areas that you care a great deal about, then you will begin to compensate. You will begin to look to others to tell you how you should feel. You will begin to see others as right, and yourself as wrong. Obviously this can become quite confusing, especially since emotions (just like taste) vary considerably. If each time you look to someone else to tell you how you should be emoting and compare it to how you actually feel, then each time there is a difference between the two you will increasingly believe that you are wrong–and that there is something wrong with you. Rather than focusing on the object or event that inspires your feelings, you begin to define your essence as invalid and in need of repair. You distrust your emotions, and you begin to distrust yourself. Your confidence goes down, your indecisiveness increases, and, in the worst case, you begin to behave in ways that are confusing both to yourself and to those around you.

– Depressed & Anxious: The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook For Overcoming Depression and Anxiety by Thomas Marra, Ph.D.

Practically speaking: let’s say I’m depressed or angry because somebody was mean to me. You might try to comfort me by saying “forget about it” or “don’t be sad”. I’m now no longer depressed or angry because someone was mean to me; I’m upset because I’m inherently wrong. I’m feeling the wrong things again, because I am bad. This might seem like a huge conclusion to leap to, but it’s actually very logical for the depressed or anxious person. The original causation of my pain no longer matters. My focus has been shifted. What matters now is that I am the causation of my own pain, because I have no right to feel the way that I do. Basically, I am in pain because I am me and who I am is faulty. I now feel immense, unbearable shame. I just want to disappear forever. This is how minor slights become minefields for the mentally ill.

So, what can you do to help without hurting?
First, accept that you cannot fix the bad feelings I’m having. Any attempt to alter my emotions will imply that they are broken, that I am broken and need to be repaired.
Second, keep the focus on the aggravating event, not on trying to change my reaction to it. Instead of saying “cheer up” or “calm down”, ask me how I feel and/or if I want to talk about it. Invite me to vent my feelings without the fear of judgment that they’re wrong.
Thirdly, never underestimate the power of touch. Words are tricky; we can misuse them, and they can backfire. But a gentle hand on the shoulder or a hug can express encouragement, too. It’s easy to feel alienated when I’m upset. I don’t have the right words to make sense, I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I want to be alone, but being alone makes me feel isolated and disgraced. A simple touch can communicate that, “I’m with you, no matter what”. It also generates less pressure to reciprocate than words do, at a time when I may not have the energy to find appropriate words to express myself.
Lastly, never defend or try to get me to see things from another’s point of view while I’m distressed. This is the quickest and harshest way to invalidate my feelings. I will calm down eventually, and I will be more compassionate and rational then. Now is not the time for a logical discussion or debate about motives. It is very likely that anything contrary you can say, I’m already beating myself over the head with inside, and it’s making me feel even worse. Basically, try to trust that I’m not a soulless asshat, even if I’m acting like one.

Doing any or all of these somewhat counterintuitive steps can do two very important things for me: 1) It validates my feelings as acceptable and appropriate. 2) It improves my confidence by showing me that I am able to work through and solve my own problems, rather than needing to be rescued from them. In essence, you trusting me helps me to trust myself, something a person dealing with depression and/or anxiety desperately needs wherever he or she can get it.

Um, the end.

Yes, I’m reblogging my own, old Tumblr post. Because this is important to know.